How to not piss off the barmaid

This past week, I've noticed more and more the things that customers do to annoy me. Like, REALLY annoy me.

Our student night is Tuesday, which means every Tuesday we get the stupidest, messiest, rudest customers in. Every single bloody week.

I bottled up the fridges and set the bar up, before I put the straws in the dispenser. Then five minutes later, some silly fat girl danced a little too enthusiastically to the bar and knocked the fuckers all over the floor. Which consequently meant that we only had one lot of straws and it must have been some sort of fucking straw lottery night or something because EVERYONE wanted one now they were on the floor! 

"Could you pass me a straw please?"
"Yeah sure, one minute"
*Goes to other side of bar to get straw*
"Can I have a straw too?"
*Off I go again*
*Times 200*

The same goes for water. If you're drinking water, maybe you should go home and stop making me fetch you water. Just a thought. I mean, it's one thing me running to and fro all night fetching straws and bottles, but you aren't paying for the water - it's just me being kind. Here's a very simple rule to avoid pissing me off: If there are 5 of you and you all want water, ask for 5 waters. Not saying "Water" in my face 5 times. Do you see how doing 1 trip to the sink could make me happier than doing 5 trips for you precious little things?

You've complained and tutted for not being served yet but you don't know what you or your 10 friends want at the moment, while me and 300 other impatient people are waiting. Oh and god forbid you have your money out ready. It's a pound a drink, it's really not difficult to add it up before I tell you how much.

Why do you all hate ice? You're moaning that it's too hot and sweaty so why are you screaming "NO ICE, NO ICE!!!!!" At me like you're allergic to it? If you say it once or maybe twice, I'll remember. So don't carry on shouting that you don't want ice EVERY TIME even though I've already started making your drink WITHOUT ICE.

A  polite reminder: DO NOT PICK YOUR ICE OUT OF THE CUP AND PUT IT ON THE BAR. Is the ice really troubling you more than it's going to trouble me when I have to scoop it off and walk it to the sink while I've got hundreds of students giving me the evil eye because they aren't being served even though they're shouting that they're next? NO.

A thank you to the boy who I went to serve, but he showed me a girl at the other side of the bar  instead (another bar staff's area to serve in) and she was next apparently. How cute. Neither got served. 

I'm sick of scraping your coins off the bar. Imagine if I put your change there, you'd think I was awful. So don't do it! 





I also LOVE cleaning up at the end of the night when you've all gone home. I mean, why wouldn't you put all your cups and god knows what on the floor for us to pick up? And the sick on the sides sometimes? Nice touch. I would also like a female toilet attendant because you girls are disgusting. Why is there always toilet roll blocking absolutely everything in there? I'm embarrassed to be female sometimes after cleaning in there.

So there you go, follow these rules and I might even smile while I'm serving :)

To Quo, or not to Quo?

A few colleagues have either quit or looking for potential new jobs - along with our newest manager who finished his last shift with us on Saturday. Everything's changing at Quo. Again.

So we're getting another new manager. I don't think I can cope with the worry I went through just a couple of months ago over keeping my job/role/hours the same. I'm worrying that I may not get put on to do every shift like I am now, or that I might get demoted from Supervisor back to regular bar staff, which means my wage goes back down to 5 pounds an hour. Is it really worth it?

Obviously some of the others have weighed this up and said no, and they're going to be really missed by me. Quo is the only bar I've worked in, which probably isn't a good thing, but I love that place. I can't see myself anywhere else. But I feel like shit. I really do. 

(Top left photo) Me and Liam a few months ago sat on our settee in the daytime. 
(Bottom left photo) Us last week on only night off a week together. After being promised a 'cute' night together, I got this at half past 8 instead.

Four shifts a week doesn't sound hard at all, but I feel like I'm only here on earth to work at the moment. Forget eating and sleeping - Quo is calling. I'm sick of missing countless things I've been wanting to do because I've slept through the day and I'm lucky I got up in time at all  for something to eat.

 The last couple of days I've tried to get up earlier to go and sit in a beer garden with my boyfriend, like any normal person my age. All I did was practically fall asleep in the warm sun then go home and go to bed before work. What's the point? 

A VS and a Jager bottle!

I'm a really fast reader and I love books. I'm really enjoying the second installment of My Mad Fat Diary whenever I get time to read - which is never. I'm also enjoying making some DIY vases from empty bottles at work.  I just wish I had the motivation to sit down and do them.

 I can't sleep properly anymore, I think my body constantly thinks it's only allowed to nap. It's no good getting tired at 10 o clock at night because I'll be wide awake come 4 o clock - and that's no good when I'm working at 10 the following night, ugh!

I WANT to do every shift at work but I feel so rubbish all the time. I don't want to drop any shifts but I don't want to feel so crappy either. Back in September, when I started, I assumed I'd get into some new sleeping pattern - I didn't. And now that uni is over, I'm still the same. I don't know how I coped with uni and work and it's only just finished! I feel like I'm going to blink and turn 40. 

Seriously, why do I enjoy working in a nightclub? Sometimes it's a real mystery to me. 

Beauty sleep - what beauty sleep?

Here I am again, having slept through my day off yesterday, to catch up on some well deserved sleep. This week, I've had final uni deadlines and a LOT of work to get through, whilst still working my four night shifts.

I've begun to realise that this lifestyle is really taking it out on my appearance. I mean, for starters, there's never any 'beauty sleep' unless a thing such as 'beauty naps' exists, which it doesn't. So this really starts to show around my eyes - I feel about 40 sometimes! I cover the sleepiness up with make up the best I can, but it's not a solution is it?

I am sick to death of doing my make up. I'm also sick of hearing my boyfriend telling me to just skip it - (you're beautiful the way you are, blah blah blah) - not with these bags! But seriously, in most jobs you can get away with skipping a few make up or skin care days, but with bar work you'd put people off! However, I'd just like to note that I still disagree with having to send a photo in with your CV. If you're good at the job you should get the job, regardless of how you look. Surely it's better to have an 'average' looking girl serve you WELL than some good-looking idiot that fucks everything up. I'm naming no bar names in Lincoln... But for love of God I shouldn't be splashed with a shot of vodka 3 people back from the bar...

Anyway, I've got no skin care routine anymore - I'm just too tired to take my make up off at night and I could slap myself the day after! The extra 2 minutes of standing there would make so much difference to how I feel the day after. I'm going to try my best to look after my skin because it's always been fairly decent, but I've noticed more blemishes than ever lately. Here's a link to Wikihow about skin routines - when and how to use what: Here

As I've mentioned before - Mcdonalds - Bar Staffs' best friend and worst enemy. I always bump into some of my colleagues in there - sometimes more than just once a week. Even my manager admitted to having 4 Mcdonalds this week. I was on 2 and felt so ashamed! We all know it's bad for us but who wants to come in and cook at 5 in the morning? Mcdonalds feels like a savior when all you've eaten is a bowl of soup at lunchtime.

I just find it funny that part of bar work is looking good  behind the bar - yet it's really difficult to do most days. Sometimes, just a smile will take notice away from how bad you think you look, because after all, being friendly is more important - and you get friendliness given back to you. I felt like absolute crap on Saturday - I'd barely slept or ate, but did the whole fake smile thing and made some decent tips :)

 

How not to pull bar staff

Since I went blonde, I've had a lot more attention off boys from across the bar - and don't even get me started on while I'm on promo! And more attention means more dismissals I have to give out and more of the bitch face that most of us have perfected. Once again, can I just say that doing 5 shots of sambuca, then turning the shot glasses upside down doesn't impress me, so please do not make eye contact because I'll only tut as I clean up your mess.

Just because I'm the magical lady giving you alcoholic drinks and a smile - because it comes with the job description, does not mean I want you to chat me up, or talk to me at all. I want to serve the staring customers at the side of you. 

A particular highlight of mine was someone's really poor attempt to chat to me but he couldn't even make eye contact, so proceeded to leave his business card facing me on the bar. It went in the bin and some of the staff had a quick look for it later on to send lovely messages to him. No.

Another awkward moment to note was when a boy was out with what I can only assume was his father during Freshers (yes, really) who said to him: "She seems nice, talk to her!" Again, just no.

It surprises me how the male staff get more attention than the girls sometimes. Adam regularly gets mistaken for being gay when he isn't. It probably didn't help when a man asked me how good looking his friend was on a scale of 1 to 10, so I told him Adam could definitely help out in that department. Adam said 10 (I thought he wasn't gay?) But he reckons you can only say 0 or 10, otherwise you sound like you're considering it. Nice logic there Adam... He reckons he always gets the "I'm asking for a friend... Are you gay?"

I saw Lewis get his hand kissed by a man yesterday. I then saw him walk away shaking it as if the germs would just fall off.

We got a new manager over a month ago and he turned out to be alright after all the worry about our job security. I have a laugh with him like I do with everyone else. Last night I decided to really ruin his pulling chances as he was talking to a group of ladies when we'd shut and I was cleaning sticky tables. I went over and said: "Dad, when are you taking me home?" If looks could kill... We all couldn't stop laughing at it. He never said anything afterwards, so I know he's plotting his revenge.

Ryan always gets loads of tips. I can come out with 25p and he'll get a tenner. What?!

 

Tom once wrote his number on his arm... Not that he actually got any numbers back mind.

When I asked the staff what their best up lines they'd been given was, Elliot replied with "I like your arms". I said that that couldn't have been a good chat up line. He replied with: "It worked."

I love hearing other staff's chat up lines because they're always worse than mine. 

Roxy got an old man licking his money before giving it to her yesterday. She definitely should've licked his change. 

Philippa once witnessed a man get his penis out to hit the boxing machine with, whilst making eye contact with her throughout. I doubt he got a very high score, just a little sore.

Our photographer, Charlie, got asked if she was single. She said no and got the reply of "Oh what, you're not a guy?" The poor girl.

She says she see's the girls waiting at the bar, resting their boobs on it in the hope of getting served faster. The only problem is that the bar is wet and sticky, so more fool them. Tom has had the ingenious idea of not serving them, so he gets to stare at them longer. Dirty.

I think the moral of the story here is that chat up lines for our bar simply do not work. Or maybe it's just that they are really really really bad ways of telling someone you're interested in them.

 

This is basically how all customers appear when it's hot and sweaty, been  long night, and when you just don't need another crappy chat up line.

 

It's hard working nights, please be nice to us!

I'm writing about nightclub work, but obviously this applies to anybody who works at night. My Boyfriend works nights too - on alternate days to me which is so not ideal. It's hard but you've got to earn a living! 

So I work 4 nights a week - 5 during the bank holidays. My days off aren't consecutive which really doesn't help the sleeping pattern. I usually work 9:30/10-4/5:30 depending on the night. And you can't come in and go straight to bed, you have to eat or stay up for some downtime first. This means I'm not sleeping until 7/8/9 o clock in the morning. So don't expect me to up before 3 - and that's still probably less sleep than I should be
getting.

I love the mad rush to get Mcdonalds before it turns to breakfast time. I've bumped into most of our staff in there. At half 4 in the morning, there's the masses of drunks in need of salty foods and the bar staff that have had to serve them. You can tell which ones are bar staff as they have the look of "fuck off" towards the drunks. You're allowed to do that look out of work, and it feels great.

I'm a regular student as well, so the late nights and early mornings are a pretty crappy mix. What some other students fail to realise is that some people work and don't just lay around all day. So no, I'm not free to 'meet up to do some work' whenever! I'm free when I've had some sleep - would you like to meet up at 4 in the morning because I'm up for that!

My only friends are work mates, which suits me fine! We see each other all the time at work, so it's nice to have a few drinks together sometimes, to be on the other side of the bar.
Saying please and thank you, obviously!

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else though. I love bar work, even though all I do is complain about people. It can be hard work but it's worth it if you enjoy it. 

Are you a bad customer?

Do you think you're a pretty decent customer at a bar? Really think about it. Have you ever done one of these things?

 Ordering your drinks

• Don't wave or shout 'oi' at the bartender, please. We just won't serve you 'til last. 
• Also, waving your money at us doesn't work -  we don't go all magpie like "Ooh, look at the shiny shiny, I must serve them now!"
•  "What's the cheapest?" A fellow barmaid pointed this one out. How about you drink what you like. If you can't afford to, why are you out?
• We are capable of remembering more than 3 drinks, so don't say it like you're talking to a baby. Okay, so I'll double-check and say "Was that one with coke?" and you can say "Yeah'. I'm half just making conversation with you really, be grateful. 
• Don't lay your money down on the wet bar and make me scrape it off like a desperate idiot. I wouldn't just lay your change on the bar - I put it in your hand.
• Do not ever take your ice out of the glass and throw it all over the bar. I will make eye contact throughout with an angry look on my face. JUST ASK FOR NO ICE YOU IDIOT.
• For my sanity, if you're in a group of friends and you all want a drink of water, don't ask one by one. It's not like you're even spending any money while I'm running to the tap five times over! 
• Why would you not have your money out and ready? You've just complained that you haven't been served quick enough and the bar is 4 people deep. Do you have problems or what?
• And for gods sake, just say please and thank you. It honestly ruins my mood when someone just yells 'Jagerbomb" in my face. Yeah, what about a Jagerbomb? Oh you want one do you? Sorry, I didn't realise because you didn't ask!

Making a mess

• Why on earth do boys insist on turning a shot upside down when they've miraculously downed it? It's not clever and it doesn't impress me. It just makes me clean the spot I've cleaned 30 seconds ago.
•   The same goes for a plastic cup - why turn it upside down and crush it. Why?
• Don't complain about the floor being sticky if you're going to spill your drinks over it all night. 
• I can only speak for the women's toilets, so WHAT THE FUCK? In my short time as a barmaid, we've had someone poo on the floor - right at the side of the toilet - how? Sanitary towels STUCK to walls and how do you always manage to block the toilets? I'd also like to thank the people that flooded the women's toilets yesterday as it took me 2 buckets full of water to mop up. 

Tipping 

•  First of all, I don't mind if you don't tip. As long as you say please and thank you, and maybe even raise a smile to me, I'm happy.
• But don't say "Oh I feel like tipping you because you're so good!" And then don't tip.
• I also don't want to keep the change if it's 20p, I put it in the till, sorry.
• Foreign people have been much better tippers in general. When we've been struggling to understand each other but get there in the end, a tip and and a "Thank you for your patience" makes my night 100 times better. 
• I'd also like to say thank you to the girl that simply wrote 'fishbowl plz' on her arm. I asked what she wanted in it and she just shrugged. She didn't speak to me at all, but when I gave her a five pound note back, she rummaged in her bag for two 50p pieces for me. It was lovely!

 So there you go, just be polite and you'll make a little barmaid a happy one :)

 

We are family!

Over the eight months I've worked at Quo Vadis, I've become part of the 'Quofam'. A concept that consists of a group of people working together, who enjoy working together. We enjoy working together so much, sometimes we get a little drunk together too. Some of us more than others - I won't name names *mumble*.

Did you look at Goose's crotch? Uh-oh!

Okay, so there's no place like Home? Thank god!

Anyway, here's a photo of just a few of us: (left to right)

• Lewis, my timid but at the same time bossy colleague,
• Me, back when I had long brown hair, hmm.
•  Adam, the boy who often gets mistaken for a gay, but I can assure you ladies, he's certainly not!
• Elliot/Ewut, god only knows what his name is.
• Goose, who's still in Pro Plus debt to me (I haven't forgotten!)
• Hannah, one of our fastest and friendliest members of staff
• Ginge, she enjoys being mardy.
• Dan who's unfortunately left to work in Leeds, but he was my favourite Supervisor (Sorry Lewis and Goose!)
• Last but not least, Freddie who has also left but we still go for drinks when we can, as she was my Back Bar buddy.

I'll do a full list of all our staff and what they're like, because customers need to remember that we are humans too, just doing a job. After all, you wouldn't yell the C-word a Morrisons cashier because they're taking their time, would you? Well, I hope not!

This particular night out ended in a flourish of bright red "Quo Vadis" stickers all around Home nightclub. Elliot decided he wanted to stick them on us but we stuck them on random clubbers instead, this was much more fun. A truce was called not to stick stickers on us staff anymore, but I still kept finding one about my person.

Highlights of this night include Freddie sticking one to the DJ (probably not like that...) And I stuck two on the bouncers badge. Lewis said I wouldn't, so I did!

Anyway, I love working at Quo Vadis and I couldn't work anywhere else. The Quofam are brilliant and I think it's important to see the staff getting on behind the bar. It feels welcoming.

Until we bitch about the awful customers on Facebook. Here's my particular favourites:

In at the deep end

It had been an unbearable summer, and I'm not talking about the heat. I had no university, no friends and no job. 

My boyfriend and I live together and he was working three shifts a week. It was only three shifts, but when you're stuck in a tiny flat alone for seven hours with literally nothing to do, the boredom really gets to you after three whole months.

Don't get me wrong, I was a brilliant little housewife, doing all the washing, having his tea ready on the table for him and the flat was always spotless. It was because I nothing better to do. I was climbing the walls! 

I needed a job so badly. 

I'd been talking to a promoter at Scy nightclub in Lincoln about a job as he reckoned he could get me one. I hadn't heard anything for ages, until I bumped into him when I left the flat to go to the pub - all dressed up, may I add. Now, this seemed to help for some reason as the next week I was starting my first shift at Quo Vadis.

Now onto the good stuff. 

Basically, Back To Mono is a fantastic 60s club night, held at Quo Vadis on the first saturday of every month. It's also one of the busiest nights, which the lovely promoter failed to tell me.

I looked at the bar and could hardly see over it - I'm only 5"1! That wasn't the worst of the night though. Supervisors Mike and Dan went through the till with me so many times - I just couldn't remember where things were at all - even though there's a tab that says 'draught' and 'spirits' etc.

Grab a glass, scoop the ice into it, set it down on the bar, pour the shot into it, pour the mixer into it, tell the customer how much it is, take their money, enter it into the till, and give them their change. It's really not difficult...

But I simply could not get the hang of putting the ice in the glass before I set it down. I was so shoddy, I'm cringing about it now. 

Thankfully, Mike's way of making me practice shot pouring with a water-filled vodka bottle ten times to match a medium glass of wine has proved very effective.

So, it's the busiest night of the month and someone has called in sick, the new girl can't do anything, so what happens? They make me glass collect!

The whole night I was stacking up, carrying and washing endless glasses. I was so tired and my feet hurt, I was genuinely considering never coming back - I just wasn't cut out for the job. 

But I did go back, and got praised for being so helpful glass collecting as they really needed those glasses because they were running out. That was back in September, and eight months later I'm a Supervisor at the place.

If you get stuck doing the shitty jobs, stick with it and do a great job. One day, you'll be in a great job.